Red Sox acquire Steven Wright

The Red Sox have announced the acquisition of the brilliant comedian, Steven Wright. Wright is renowned for his one liners and paraprosdokians such as:

  • I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
  • What’s another word for Thesaurus?
  • When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
  • I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
  • I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
  • I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • Half the people you know are below average.

Wait, I’m sorry, my mistake, the Boston Red Sox today acquired right-handed pitcher Steven Wright from the Cleveland Indians in exchange for first baseman/outfielder Lars Anderson. Wright has been assigned to Double-A Portland.

Wright, a 27-year-old knuckleballer, has spent the 2012 season with the Indians Double-A affiliate in Akron, going 9-6 with a 2.49 ERA (32 ER/115.2 IP) and 101 strikeouts in 20 starts. He leads Eastern League qualifiers with a .207 opponent batting average (86-for-416) and also places among EL leaders in ERA (2nd) and strikeouts (4th). The right-hander has held opponents to one or no earned runs or in 14 of his 20 outings this season. A second-round selection by Cleveland in the 2006 First-Year Player Draft, Wright is 38-33 with seven saves, a 3.95 ERA (296 ER/673.2 IP) and 557 strikeouts in 186 career minor league appearances, including 103 starts, over six seasons since 2007.

Sorry for the confusion.

Words to live by: Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.